


Helen's Foolproof 11 Step Plan to Wooing Your Archivist

by CertifiedPissWizard



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Multi, Other, Touch-Starved, also i may not end up saying it but jon is nb, and so is michael but thats canon, call me gay, helen is the entitiy with the plan, huh, its moreeeeee tender monsters hell fucking yeah babey, she sees the idiots she seduces them its just her, so maybe im a simp for a fictional character, what are you going to do huh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24865225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CertifiedPissWizard/pseuds/CertifiedPissWizard
Summary: The only way she could possibly be having more fun with this is if he realized that she was flirting. Alas, for all his dark academia chic outfit and splendid hair he seems to refuse to believe that people could like him. A pity, because that would make courting him all the easier. She would have thought that Michael would have softened him up some, but apparently not.Now there's a thought. She is the Distortion and Michael was the Distortion and there can only be one Distortion but the Spiral is all about impossibilities so why not. Surely the Archivist isn't daft enough to be able to deny that he is a fellow of interest while being flirted with two eligible bachelors who are aligned with the Spiral. Surely.
Relationships: Helen | The Distortion/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Helen | The Distortion/Michael | The Distortion/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Michael | The Distortion/Helen | The Distortion, Michael | The Distortion/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 7
Kudos: 95





	Helen's Foolproof 11 Step Plan to Wooing Your Archivist

It's not that Helen enjoys her ability to absolutely wreck her Archivist with a few well placed words and a casual touch, but she absolutely relishes in having this power and takes advantage of it regularly. "Jonathan!" She claps her hands together. "You carried someone out of the Buried, and can I say that that certainly is impressive. You are a very good Archivist." He looks wide-eyed and like he doesn't know whether to freeze or snap or bolt, and she presses her advantage, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Look at you- saving people, collecting tapes. You've certainly come a long way, haven't you. Wonderful." And the eyes just got wider. "Sorry to love you and leave you," and there's the blush, "but I do have to get going. People to kill and all that!" Time for the finishing move. She kisses him on the cheek before waving and walking through her door. The only way she could possibly be having more fun with this is if he realized that she was flirting. Alas, for all his dark academia chic outfit and splendid hair he seems to refuse to believe that people could like him. A pity, because that would make courting him all the easier. She would have thought that Michael would have softened him up some, but apparently not. 

Now there's a thought. She is the Distortion and Michael was the Distortion and there can only be one Distortion but the Spiral is all about impossibilities so why not. Surely the Archivist isn't daft enough to be able to deny that he is a fellow of interest while being flirted with two eligible bachelors who are aligned with the Spiral. Surely. The fact that he hasn't noticed that she's been flirting, though, and didn't notice that Michael was flirting won't prove an issue if they both did it at once. The Spiral warns her that the Eye may have different courting rituals. She dismisses that concern. It's ridiculous. Worrying about whether the two of them will make Jon realize he's being flirted with is thinking too far ahead. One thing at a time. First she has to bring Michael back from the "dead." Then she needs to confer with her war council of her and Michael, so that they can lay siege to the Archivist's heart.

It's easy to find Michael. It's still there, sprawled out in one of the corridors. It's taking a nap, currently. It's been taking lots of those. It may be depressed. She wasn't concerned, but she is now. She needs its help to flirt with her Archivist, and if it isn't in working order because of being abandoned in the hallways and having people routed away from it, isolating it- she'd be displeased. She'd already spent enough time displeased over the fact that it was refusing to panic or wither away even though it was no longer an avatar. She sighed, before strolling into that section of the halls. "Inferior predecessor." It opened one eye lazily, and the eye looked so terribly *human*. A sight like that could almost mover her to pity if that wasn't such a ridiculous emotion to feel when she's here to give it purpose again. "Stand up."

"No. I'm comfortable." Michael doesn't sound depressed. It sounds petulant instead. "Are you going away?" Not as poetic as it used to be. Her original assumption seems likely.

"I am here to help you."

"Fuck off." Succinct, short, to the point. It's horribly out of character, or perhaps it was in character for Michael before. Still. It doesn't matter. She reaches her hand into its chest, pulls out Michael's heart, and then she places a piece of her own, of the Distortion's own, where Michael's heart was. It screams. 

"I'll leave you to get settled." She leans down and kisses Michael's forehead on a whim. She isn't the sort to deny her whims these days, and Michael looks so lovely like this, Becoming. "Feel better soon, dear. We have an Archivist to seduce later." The glare she gets in response is clouded over with pain and euphoria and delerium, and oh how she remembers feeling like that. It must be feeling so glorious right now. She thinks she might envy Michael a bit. 

That's Michael currently sorted, although encouragement may need to be applied in the future to try and head off anymore sad behavior. She doesn't like the way looking at it when it's like that makes her feel. Well. She could always apply some now, she supposes. "I changed my mind. I'm staying with you right now." She sits on the floor next to it, and she moves its head onto her lap. It has such soft hair that curls and twists its way around her fingers. There's a purring sound coming from somewhere, and those clouded eyes look up at her filled with something somewhere between confusion and rage and awe. "Look at you." She's never seen someone Becoming like this before, twisting and distorting. Michael, in this moment, is one of the most beautiful sights that she has ever seen. "Perfect." It twists, tries to hide its head from her sight, like looking at her in this moment, looking at her in the face of this praise, is like looking into the sun. She tugs its hair, pulls its face gently back to where it was, looking up at her. "You have such lovely eyes. Don't hide them from me." She traces a finger across its forehead, its cheekbones, under its eyes, over its lips. It's crying as limbs stretch and change and fingers grow and its face comes and leaves. She sits there the whole time, cooing. "Beautiful. You're almost done, and doing so well." It blushes, shifts, but doesn't try to hide its face again. She takes that as a victory. How did she not notice how beautiful it was- is? It appears that she'll be wooing two people. Nothing she can't handle.

Time passes slowly yet quickly, sitting there whispering soft praises and tender words to her predecessor and now coworker and soon to be partner. Michael keeps squirming, too, so prettily. Her touches are soft, as well, and as chaste as they are they drive it wild. On another whim she wipes a tear from its cheek, looks at it, licks it off her finger, feels the salt taste dissolve across her tongue. "Everything about you is so good, Michael. Even the taste of your tears." It makes a choked sound, and once again tries to hide its face from her. She doesn't let that happen, of course, gently pulling it back to where it was. She kisses its forehead again. Her beautiful Michael, not that it realizes that yet, but still.

Eventually, the crying and changing stops, and shortly after it passes into a restless sleep. She presses another kiss to its brow, and then shifts herself out from under its head. She should get a presentation together to make sure that when Michael wakes up she can convince it to follow her plan. She'll obviously have to leave out the part where she seduces it as well as the Archivist, but that'll be no trouble at all. In fact, the presentation will be downright enjoyable, probably. Helen always has enjoyed selling people on things. It's part of why she had done such a wonderful job as a real estate agent. What should she call it? She supposed: Helen's Genius Plan to Seduce the Archivist might work.


End file.
